‘Maw & Paw Just Love to see that Veejay Dance’

By Wiley Comstock

Not long ago, this writer was visiting a friend in Greenland — which is to say Greenland County, USA, along the Great Oh River. My visit coincided with that of a regional politician, the biggest boss from the other side of the river, a U.S. senator from the “Blessed State of Oh.”

Sen. Veejay Dance (X-Oh) had just made a big speech in our county seat (Moonchen). And, boy, did that man impress everyone! This fellow Dance is so smart and so good-lookin’ all at once…. Little wonder that he’s getting to be as popular as teen motherhood — even on our side of the river, in Greenland County.

“Maw and Paw just love him,” says my buddy (whose name is Buddy). “Maw says she’ll love that man to the End of Time.”

“I guess that’s what lookin’ good’ll get for you,” I said. “So what’s Senator Veejay Dance doin’ here in Greenland?”

“Just ask the party-platform a question — ‘Where does the VP-X stand on this?’ —
and it gives you exactly the answer you most want to hear!”

“Same as always — visiting his golf courses and makin’ speeches for his party.”

“Which one is that?” I asked.

“You know,” my friend reminded me. “The always-secure, always-anonymous Virtual Party-X.”

“Oh, yeah,” says I. “The VP-X.”

“And, of course, Dance is a former vice-president of the party. That’s why we call him ‘Ex-Veep-Veep-Ex’.’ Or just ‘Veep-Veep,’ as he likes to be called.”

“Ex-Vice President of the Virtual Party-X,” I nodded. “Well, what’s their party platform?”

“That’s the beauty of it. The VP-X runs its own ‘revolving’ platform, rapidly alternating between revolutionary and counter-revolutionary positions, according to the need.”

“Huh …? Whose need?”

“Well, everybody’s!” says my buddy, grinning. “Maw and Paw just love it. They say the X-Party platform is “all-knowing and all-embracing.” And, boy, they sure do spend all sorts of time on it. I’m just startin’ out …”

At this point, my buddy gets a kind of a glazed look in his eyes.

“Well, what’s so great about the X-Party platform?” I ask, hoping to snap him back.

“You just ask the X-Party platform a question — ‘Where does the VP-X stand on this?’ — and it tells you exactly the response that you most want to hear!”

“Like those fake robo-girls over at the dating service?”

“Exactly!” says my buddy, his eyes lighting up. “And not for nothing that the VP-X runs one o’ them too! VP-X is the best, well-funded all-service party organization. An all-around party with dating privileges! Although that part’s gotta stay private. Only party members can get into it.”

“Wow,” I said. “A private party with dating services! What’ll they think of next!?”

“Yeah! And just look at their motto!”

I squint at the screen.

“‘We’ll cross you up at every turn’….?”

My buddy frowned.

“You fool-galoot! You’re mixing-up the motto with the company logo!”

“Oh. Sorry: ‘We’ll match you up at every turn….’ ”

“That’s better.”

“Yessir, Senator Dance loves us so much he wants to own us!”

“Well, what’s the Veep-Veep have to say to us?”

“What do the winners always say? — ‘Help is at hand!’ Or, at least, it’s already ordered-up — and it’s on the way!’ ”

“Great!” I said. “So how does the VP-X help the People of Greenland County?”

“Easy,” says Buddy. “They’re gonna buy it.”

“Dance and the VP-X are buyin’ the whole county?” I asked. “Why?”

“Because we’ve been so good to him! He’s talked to all kinds of people, all around here— and he’s saying just how nice and good we’ve been for him. ‘A well-trained Hospitality Sector’ is how he puts it. Yessir, Senator Dance loves us so much he wants to own us!”

In fact, I had heard that the Veep-Veep already owns at least one fancy golf course in Greenland County. (On the streaming ads, you can see deep appreciation in the eyes of the former farmers he now employs as caddies and greenskeepers.)

“Being an absentee-landowner of his golf-courses means that Veejay Dance has a real stake in this county,” says Buddy, sounding more like the voice in those videos. “Dance shares a strong claim to the ‘good life’ we enjoy here in Greenland! And, when the time comes, you can count on him to fight for it!”

“Right. Fight for the good life. …But, uh, do you golf, Buddy …?”

“Right now, the senator is tellin us we’re gonna have to fight ‘the enemy within’ — all those immoral naysayers who don’t share our common American morals and values.”

“So, how do we do that?” I asked.

“Easy!” says my buddy. “We just gotta gun-up.”

“…?”

“And we get a discount on everything, there at the VP-X-USA Arms Dealership —
with more than five locations, all over the county! VP-X-USA can fix you with more armament than a fellow could possibly think of ever wantin’.”

“Right,” I said. “But, he’s gonna own our entire county — like all of it? Why? And how?”

“Because he says he can. And, you know what the VP-X Party Platform and God are telling us: ‘It is the right of any American male to become whatever he wants to become!’ ”

“Well, A-men to that …”

“So, Dance is deciding he wants to become owner of Greenland! Just gonna buy the whole thing, simple as that.”

“Does he have the capital?”

“Says he does. Says he has everything and more that it takes to make a deal. And, you gotta know this: The VP-X leaders say it’ll go easier for those of us who cooperate, those who settle early on. Otherwise, they just come in and do it the old-fashioned way.”

“The old-fashioned way?”

“The American way: You pay off the county assessor, pay off the sheriff, and then — if you gotta — you pay-off your sheriff’s deputies to help move everybody someplace else.”

“But where do we all go? Do we all have to move to Dance’s ‘Blessed State-of-Oh’…?”

“Not hardly,” laughed my friend. “His border deputies tell me their orders will be
to point us in the other direction, toward Kentucky.”

“But I don’t have any people in Kentucky! And I bet there are fewer still who like me much there!”

“Then you’d better get on the move, and start lookin’,” Buddy says. “You don’t want to be caught on the wrong end of a VP-X deal …”

“Gosh. Maybe you’re right,” I says. “Thanks!”

“No problem,” says Buddy. “Oh, and you’d better join the Virtual Party-X fast! You know what they say: ‘VP-X: You don’t want to be late to the Party.’ ”

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This column was modeled on political satire of “West Virginia Hillbilly” editor Jim Comstock (1911-1996). Comstock was famous for his “Hillbilly” humor, especially during the turbulent 1963 West Virginia primary election, in which John F. Kennedy became the national Democratic candidate for US president. If memory serves, one Comstock column was titled “Paw Won’t Sell His Vote to No Catholic!” (At least one New York paper cited the article as “proof” of anti-Catholic bias in West Virginia, no doubt giving Comstock a good laugh.)

One columnist writing for an English-language literary magazine informed cosmopolitan readers about Comstock’s writing in West Virginia, calling his brand of rural humor “sophisticated.” True to his own satirical nature, the colorful “West Virginia Hillbilly” editor immediately objected to the urban-intellectual publication’s characterization of his work, and demanded a retraction and apology for the “insult.”.… -ts